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Contemplation

“We Choose Our Truths” (Mad Men – S05E13 | “The Phantom”)

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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney cartoon of the cannon.  Of all of the Disney princesses, Belle has always been my favorite.  It bears mentioning, by the way, that when Bagel and I first met, the first movie we ever saw together in theaters was the live-action remake in Bageltopia.  Ah, what a faraway land… it honestly feels like a lifetime ago.  April 1, 2017 was that fateful day.  Good times; good memories. 😊

Watching Mad Men recently, specifically– S05E13:  “The Phantom”— B&B appears as a strong motif in the episode.  On Reddit, that episode is one of the most discussed in the series (at least so far) and I thought I’d just take a minute this morning to dash off some quick thoughts.

** SPOILERS AHEAD **


There are many different ways to read Megan and Don’s relationship in E13, but everyone largely agrees that this is where Don “falls out of love” with Megan and reverts to his “Old Don” ways.  I largely agree with this; but people differ on the exact timing and interpretation of how/why.  And while we’ll obviously never know for certain (likely only Weiner knows, if he even knows) but the key moments:  1) Megan betrays her acting friend and asks for Don for the Butler shoes TV ad spot part for herself.  2) Don watching Megan’s screen test.  3) Don walking away from Megan once she’s landed the TV advertisement spot.

In addition to this, Don obviously brings his own baggage to the table– namely, his abandonment issues.  In E13, Don also meets Peggy at the movie theater (during the workday! Haha 😄) and it’s a nice moment; but they have an exchange about Don “helping people” and then “those people always eventually moving on.” 

So to me, here’s how I (choose to) read E13:  Full disclosure, I’m a Megan-fan so I read her generously and charitably (Bagel is notably not).  While some Redditors feel like Megan’s a manipulative conniving witch from the beginning, that’s not how (I’ve chosen) to interpret her actions.  I feel, if anything, she’s just immature, innocent, and growing– which means losing that innocence (compromising principles and values in the pursuit of a desired outcome).  All her life, she’s dreamed about being an actress and making it big.  Off-Broadway, Broadway, TV shows, the movies. Being famous.  Like all of the other characters in Mad Men, she’s chasing an image.  It’s just unclear if that image is a phantom or not.

(As a quick aside, by the way, the people I really hate/blame are Megan’s toxic parents.  But that’s a separate discussion.)

Megan is chasing a childhood ambition, the dream that never dies.  And while she’d tried and failed before (and resigned herself to being just a secretary), only after being with Don does she obtain the full arsenal to try again (money, power, connections, etc).  This in itself is a huge, fascinating conversation about chasing one’s dreams (Bagel and I had a huge argument about this yesterday!) but in summary: I’m a firm believer that the most ardent among us– the people who try hardest– are those who never quit.  The Hufflepuffs of the world are the ones who never say die.  And this perseverance to never give up can, in a way, can be poisonous. It anchors us to a perpetual past and Hufflepuffs will exhaust every last outlet, including their principles, if it means getting what they want.  Scene 1 where Megan throws away her independence (and innocence) is the place where Don “falls out of love.” 

But.  We pick our truths.  And while Don may have lost all respect (and love) for Megan in that first scene, in the next scene, Scene 2– when he’s watching the reel– I think he chooses to believe another truth.  The idea of Megan being “like the rest of them” hurts him deeply (consciously or unconsciously) so he wants to find/choose another narrative (one that’s more self-serving).  So he adopts the B&B narrative:  He, the great Don Draper, sees talent in his wife.  And he’s going to be the one to “let her go” (before she has a chance to leave him).  Valiantly, he’s going to choose to fall on his sword and “set Megan free.”  He’s been around the block a few times and has likely seen a good number of beautiful women and aspiring models/actresses.  (Eg. Betty.)  So seeing Megan’s tape he probably realizes that Megan has some talent and is definitely gorgeous/has acting potential.  During that scene when Don watches the reel is when he decides he’s going to let Megan go.  Don knows (I believe) that if he gives Megan this break (like he’d done with Peggy back in S1), that she will make it.  And since Megan’s no longer the pure and innocent woman that he fell in love with (she’s ambitious, like everyone else!) and while Don could crush her dreams (like he’d done with Betty; which to be fair, didn’t ultimately work out), this time around, Don’s going to set Megan free, just like the Beast had done.  Hence the final, “walking-away-from-the-fairy-tale-into-the-dimly-lit-bar” sequence.  And doing so, Don’s going to throw himself back into the pits of hell and his “Old Don” ways (Scene 3).  Bye, bye, blissful domesticated life.

After five seasons, I’m a big fan of the theory that Man Men is largely about Don –an instinctually bad man (read: a survivor/fighter; one without honor/principles who’s willing to do whatever it takes to survive)– trying to be a good man in the only ways he knows how.  But perpetually failing.  Because at his core, it’s just not who he is.  Man Men is honestly so great though– Can people ever truly voluntarily change?  Or are we simply forced to change (because of environmental circumstances/resource constraints/etc)? And does that then even count? If it’s only the external environment shaping us? (Cue free-will discussion here.) Also: What is love? What is love if setting Belle free means ensuring your own destruction? If Belle is willing to let you remain a beast the rest of your days, does she really love you?  All of the Big Questions, etc.  Anyway, thanks for reading!  Just my two cents for the day! 😀

Bagel / Contemplation

The Virtue of Television Shows as Empathy-Building Vehicles

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Anyone who’s ever been in the trenches will agree:  A healthy relationship is one in which both partners really get to know each other.  And to this end, watching television shows and discussing them is the ultimate cheat code, especially if they are fictional (ie. not documentaries) as they’re vehicles of communication to facilitate this interaction.  When you are in school, especially in a liberal arts class, it’s easy:  The professor can pose some open-ended topic (eg.  “What is Justice?”) and then you and your classmates can really go to down having those 2am bull-sessions that run ’til dawn, with everyone pontificating away on their pedestals.

This mode of interaction isn’t only training critical thinking, receive-and-respond, debate skills, gauging-of-social-currency, but is also allowing you a window into the lives of others.  To really know the other is to know what and how they think.  Their beliefs and value systems.  But there needs to be a medium for this discussion.

So why TV shows?  It’s easy and something people in a relationship can jointly do together.  The joint experience is important– a communal and collective feeling of togetherness.  Reading is great but it’s a solitary endeavor.  Watching a television show can be done snuggled together on sofas and in front of laptops.  You don’t even need televisions or cable nowadays.

For example, recently Bagel and I have been watching Mad Men and that show has really brought us so much closer.  When I was younger, other than the Sorkin shows, I never really watched television shows because I was always haughty and felt them lowly.  Yes, sometimes I’d indulge in a Spartacus or a Strike Back, but it was always when I was eating and wanted to burn through 10 or 15 minutes (and not watch YouTube).

But back when I was younger, I was single.

To be clear, Mad Men is definitely not a show I would ever watch on my own.  It’s often uncomfortable and hard-to-watch.  And definitely not a solo leisure activity.

But as a couple-activity, at least for us, it’s perfect.  It’s characters are richly developed and Bagel and I both find the subject matter endlessly entertaining and educational.  Neither of us were there for the 1960s.  But all of the period details– the mores, music, fashion, gender/race dynamics, is fascinating.  Matthew Weiner really deserves a Nobel for putting that work in the world!  What a genius!

By virtue of being a fictional show, we’re also able to discuss its subject matter with fellow friends as well.  And what I’ve found, anecdotally at least, is that the advantage here is that, broadly speaking, the temperature of conversation is much lower when you’re discussing something fictional and imaginary as opposed to a real-life event (say, Black Lives Matter).  I’ve mostly found people more generally willing to engage with different perspectives and more empathic when it’s not real people’s lives on the line.  We’re talking about Don, Peter, Peggy, Joan, Roger, etc.  Figments of the imagination! And that distance gives everyone some remove and breathing space to entertain and debate ideas that they normally may not in a real-world setting.

Bagel and I are currently nearing the end of Season Five where a gruesome turn in the storyline has just occurred.  Obviously, I won’t ruin anything here, but that incident has sparked so much discussion for us.  Cultural differences and the pernicious effects (and pressure!  Omg, the unimaginable pressure) of having to constantly maintain an image as opposed to just being authentic and genuine.  How something small can slowly snowball into something catastrophic.  The price of deception and how it slowly chips away at the soul.

For us, Mad Men is a springboard into discussion.  It raises moral conundrums and presents a properly complex world with complicated characters.  Even when we disagree with specific decisions that Peggy or Joan may have made, it’s easy to see “their sides” and empathize.  More largely, this is honestly, I guess, a piece today about the merits of fiction as a vehicle for building empathy and understanding.  The truth is we often don’t know our values, what we truly stand for, until we’re tested.  And Real Talk for a moment:  In real life, we (thankfully) aren’t often tested.  In quotidian life, you’re virtually never dropped into these impossible situations of monumental consequence.

And to be fair– while talk is just talk, and we don’t really know how we’ll act until we’re actually in it— watching and discussing these subjects ahead of time at least sparks the conversation so it’s somewhere on your radar.  How helpful, I guess, is up to you and how honest you are with yourself.  My humble suggestion is simply to not think yourself so great, smart, noble, or moral.  The higher the horse, the greater distance the tumble.

Again though, even if you are uninterested in “knowing thyself,” just being able to discuss these questions and topics with your SO is so worth it.  We know and understand each other when we talk with each other.  And with couples, after you’ve known each other for a good chunk of time, the constant fear is that both individuals eventually drift into their own isolated orbits.  Especially if both of you are professionals in different career spaces.  Taking trips together certainly helps.  But on those long car drives and plane flights, you still need to talk about something material and substantive.  It’s easy for relationships to calcify and lose that spark.  Before long, you might feel like you’re a mechanic or a logistics officer simply negotiating supply chain details (“pick up the kids at X; dinner ready by Y; what are we getting the Millers for Christmas this year?”), etc.  But your SO is not your fellow mechanic! She’s your SO!

Finally, on a parting note– watching and discussing fiction shows, especially one as good as Mad Men, possesses the additional benefit of giving us a barometer to track change over time.  It’s interesting to both Bagel and me how both of our opinions about Don has evolved over the five seasons so far.  And it’s enormously fascinating to me to track how Bagel’s opinions of certain situations has evolved.  Ideally, we’ll revisit Mad Men again in a few years to have these same discussions, but just even in the month of watching so far, I’ve found her opinions rapidly change as she’s increasingly connected the events of the show–especially the office politics element– with her own work experience.  One great example:  Honest to God, for four seasons, we both could not understand for the life of us what Roger actually did at Sterling Cooper.  But after Lee Jr. comes to visit for that Christmas party in S4, and then in S5, we’ve both turned into the most ardent Roger fans.  In Bagel’s own work experience, she’s known as least one “Roger” whom she’d constantly complained about and despised.  But being able to see “the story” from Roger’s perspective has really shed new light on a whole new POV that she’d never even considered.  As I’d often told her– if her “Roger” had managed to stick around at the company for so long, there must have at least some value –in some way, shape, or form– that he was delivering, even if it was invisible to her (and the rest of rank-and-file storm troopers).

Anyway, those are my two cents for the day.  In other news: 2021 is here!  Hooray!  🎉🎆 Very excited about the New Year– blessings and good tidings to everyone!  Let’s make this next year the best one yet! 😀

Bagel / Daily Life / Day-Trading

What Don Draper Taught Me About Being a Man

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Don Draper from the television show, Mad Men, has been on my mind a lot lately.  This year because of COVID, Bagel and I have watched a good amount of television.  Since January, we’ve ripped through The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story, Community (S1-6), When Calls the Heart (S1-2), Under the Dome (S1-2), and I also discovered and personally devoured all four seasons of Rick and Morty as well (Bagel dislikes cartoons so she sat that one out).  Of all of the shows I’ve seen this year though, Mad Men is definitely the most thought-provoking.  The show’s actually quite old; its first season released back in 2007.  And while I remember at the time watching the first two or three episodes, I eventually lost interest and never continued.  Thirteen years later though I think I’m finally now mature and old enough to appreciate Mad Men— this is probably one of the best television shows I’ve ever seen. 

To be clear, this is still not a show that I’d probably watch on my own.  Left to my own devices, I generally turn to television to be entertained.  Fare like Rick and Morty and Community are right up my alley.  But now I’ve met Bagel, my repertoire of appreciation has significantly expanded!  On our evening walks, Bagel and I often like to discuss Mad Men and its different characters.  While the show is fictional, it possess a fidelity to the 1960s that I’ve never seen in period television.  In the past, I’ve watched (and tremendously enjoyed!) period pieces like Spartacus: Blood and Sand and The Tudors but let’s just say that “period authenticity” isn’t exactly the appeal of those particular Starz and Showtime cinematic masterpieces.

Mad Men fascinates me though precisely because is so real.  I love all of its attention to period detail.  The way people smoke and drank (and littered after picnics in the park!) back in the 1960s is insane!  And since I obviously wasn’t around for the Cuban Missile Crisis or the prospect of nuclear annihilation, seeing people live during those periods have been hugely educational.  And while there are tons of things I could discuss (and probably will in future posts), today I wanted to write about Don Draper.  Specifically, what I’ve learned from him about what it means to be a man and a good husband.

I’ve always been proud of my own honesty and transparency.  But what I learned from Don is that when you’re married, being a good husband does NOT mean telling your wife and family everything.  In the past, I always foolishly believed that I should tell Bagel everything.  For example:  Our finances.  Let’s just say this year has been a very rough ride.  And there are times that when I’ve mentioned the specifics of our finances and budget to Bagel, it’s just needlessly stressed her out. If I lost a good chunk of money day-trading one day, it’s not like she had any way of helping to recover that money. She was helpless and this added information did nothing for her except ruin her day.  I always thought I was being a good life-partner by telling her everything.  But now I realize I was wrong.

On days when I’ve lost a ton of money and I’d tell Bagel about my poor results, she’d get super stressed out.  But then a few days or weeks later, I’d often make back all of the money!  And then I’d tell Bagel about my good days too.  I had thought that we were a team and so I should share with her, my failures as well as my triumphs.

But I now see the tremendous error of my ways.

By sharing my daily ups and downs with Bagel, I was needlessly taking her on my rollercoaster ride.  She often had trouble sleeping at night and poor appetite on days when I lost a ton of money day-trading.  When I reflect on this year, I see all of that was entirely unnecessary.

What I learned from Don Draper is that when you are the man of the house, your wife (or S/O, life-partner, etc) doesn’t actually want to know everything.  As the man, it is your duty to be the provider and primary caretaker.  (Or if you’re a house-hubby and the wife is the one who works, then the same would go for her.  Basically, I’m talking here about situations where one spouse works and the other stays at home as the homemaker.)  If you are the primary provider of a single-income household, it is simply your duty to provide comfort and security to your S/O.  You need to find a way to put food on the table and roof over your children’s heads.  And that’s it. There is no need and no reason to share all of the gory details on how the sausage is made.

You don’t need to share every single financial detail with your S/O.  Now, two caveats here:  First– if your S/O specifically asks, then sure– you can tell him/her the details. 

However, if they don’t ask, as the Main Provider of a single-income household, your job is to give your S/O a sense of stability and security.  Absolutely, make a monthly budget and expect everyone to stick to it.  But aside from that, there’s no need and no purpose to share daily details with your S/O.  The second caveat is– sure, if things really go sideways, you should tell your life-partner.  For example, Bagel and I have agreed that there is a certain number our household savings (that I day-trade with) should never fall below.  And if I ever fall under that number then I should automatically tell her.

Aside from these two caveats, a good S/O should just exist to be your life-partner’s rock.  Don Draper never shares any of his daily work shenanigans with Betty; he simply shoulders all of the troubles and burdens alone. That is his sole responsibility and duty as the Man of the House. Betty doesn’t care what Don does at Sterling Cooper; she just wants to be able to shop for groceries, take care of the kids, go horseback riding, hang out with and drink wine with friends, etc.  When you get home from a hard day’s work, you leave it at the door.  Your wife just wants a lovely husband, safety, and security.  That is what it means to be a man.