Donald J. Trump

Donald Trump becoming the 45th President of the United States has been written about endlessly.  Tens of thousands of trees have valiantly given their lives so masses of teeming humanity can read with bated breath the latest exploits our idiot Commander in Chief.  Much of the material that has been written about the Orange Cheeto has been overwhelmingly negative.  At this point, one doesn’t exactly need to reach very far, intellectually or otherwise, to write a hot take that’s critical of our very stable genius.

That’s why, today and today only, I’m going to work those empathic muscles of the mind and write a piece praising Donald J. Trump.  That’s right, there’s not going to be an ounce of negativity here, no Sir.  For today, and today only, we are a bastion of positivity and praise here in the Wobbleverse.  Nothing but compliments and singing of songs.

Okay, three positive things about the Donald J. Trump presidency are as follows.

First:  Donald J. Trump being coronated as the 45th President of these United States, to me, unequivocally proves that literally anyone can become President.  I could be President.  Literally, me.  There was a time when I thought being the leader of the free world and being the President of the most powerful country on earth, the United States of America, took skill and talent.  Or at least skill.  Now, I see that’s a complete and utter lie.  You apparently don’t need any qualifications to be the President of America.  Trump ascending to the throne has given legions of talentless children around the world hope that if they put their minds to it and work hard, that they do can become anything their little hearts and minds desire.  This is good. I think.

Second:  Trump brought legions of Americans who had entirely given up on American electoral politics out of the woodwork and to the voting booths.  For decades, American voters were declining every election cycle with an increasing number of citizens growing sick and disenchanted with the whole process.  People had grown so sick of the whole enterprise that they were deciding to just drop out of the democratic process entirely. Or they’d always been so jaded and unimpressed with the candidates that they’d never bothered to participate in the first place.  But the same way that the Obama candidacy inspired millions of first-time voters to exercise their sacred democratic voting rights, Trump becoming the Republican candidate in 2016 likewise inspired millions of older, uneducated white Americans who had never before in their lives voted, who couldn’t have found a voting booth if their lives had depended on it, a champion for whom to believe in for the first time in their lives.  For these people, the majority of whom uneducated and cynical, Trump represented an antiestablishment gladiator who championed “saying the quiet part aloud” and could “own the libs.”  In a democracy, we the people get the leaders we deserve.  And many hadn’t seen a candidate that that shared their values since the days of George Wallace.  But then came Trump!  Trump gave millions of previously voiceless Americans a newfound voice– finally, someone who shared their values and visions for American life moving into the 21st century!  For many Americans, Trump represented the answers to all of their prayers.  Jesus had finally delivered a champion who would fight for them and their values.

Third:  A Trump Presidency, assuming it continues for another four years, will show people that, “Huh– who you actually put in charge does matter.”  Politics has always been one of those thankless realms of American life that I’ve honestly never envied.  Sure, Presidents and elected officials get to go down in the history books and be recorded for all of posterity.  And there’s certainly an attractiveness there that I understand.  But being the leader of hundreds of millions is one of those gigs where when things go right, people just kind of assume they should.  And it’s really only when things really go sideways and hit the fan, that people sit up and notice who you are.

If we get eight years of a Trump Presidency, by the time he leaves office, a good chunk of the American populace will have needlessly died, the environment will have sustained even more irreversible damage, millions will be unemployed and tens of thousands of small businesses will have been shuttered and livelihoods lost.  Meanwhile, Trump will have named at least three Supreme Court Justices to lifetime appointments, disbanded the EPA, and God knows what else.  The Orange Cheeto will leave the Republic in such a shambolic state that all of the cynics and naysayers, people who their entire lives thought, “Nah, it doesn’t matter who’s in office; they’re all the same.” unequivically wrong.  Sure, we had to burn down half of America to convince them that government matters.  But sometimes, you’ve gotta burn the whole thing down to pave way for a more complete rebuild.  Else, you just get a zombie system that staggers on for decades that’s dying slowly but surely from a thousand cuts.

So in summary:  Thank you, Donald J. Trump– you did something I honestly thought no American President possibly ever could.  You taught us that anyone can become President, gave a voice to disenchanted millions who had given up on democracy, and showed us that whoever runs the government actually matters.   Well done, Sir, well done.   Truly, bravo.