A Letter to Bagel: I am Publicly Committing to Being the Perfect House Hubby

Bagel and I have spoken at length about my responsibilities if I am to stay at home and become a “house hubby.”  She has it in her mind that she wishes to be a strong, independent, career woman who is the family breadwinner and brings home the bacon.  It should be noted that I am several years older than Bagel and in a previous life, I spent six long years in Corporate America.  I possess not an iota of desire to return to the Dilbert-style cubicle farm.  In fact, it was working in Dilbertville those long, grueling, interminable hours and years which led to my first ER-hospitalization and my current health issues.  So I’ve told her repeatedly and have encouraged her at every opportunity:  Bagel, if you wish to embark upon a life of early-morning conference calls, inner-office politics, and sitting inside in front of a computer for 10, 12, or even 14 hours a day, you are welcome to be my guest. I will dutifully and joyously support you every step of the way!

I will cook, grocery shop, and wash the dishes!  I’ll clean, tidy, vacuum, and do the laundry!  If one day we have kids, I’ll gladly change diapers and feed them Gerber’s baby formula so they don’t die.  I will be the best house hubby the world has ever seen.  Granted, I’ve never been a parent before.  But I’ve seen first-hand the horrors of office life and there’s no way, in this lifetime or the next, that you can convince me that bending over to put Moana into the DVD player to entertain the little ones for the eleventh-hundredth time is somehow possibly more difficult than the soul-crushing, spirit-defeating office work that I did back in my bank days. Than being tethered, 24/7, to my office Blackberry that was my ball and chain.   No way.

So, Dear Reader, you are reading it here first.  Bagel has my full endorsement to go out into the world and be the principal breadwinner!  Good job, Bagel!  Go get ’em!  I will stay at home and back you 110% with every fiber of my being!  My duties, as a house hubby, I’ve envisioned as follows:

  1. Our home shall be sparkling clean.  I will work that Dyson like it’s never been worked before! Every nook and cranny of our home will appear shiny and new!
  2. There will be delicious food on our dining room table every night you return home.  It will be healthy and sourced entirely from fresh fruits and vegetables.  No prepackaged or processed food here!
  3. I will do all of the dishwashing, laundry, and grocery shopping. All of it!
  4. If we have kids one day, I’ll do all of the chauffeuring to drive them to school, soccer practice, Model UN, piano lessons, etc.  I’ll pack their lunches and help them with their homework.  Etc.  Don’t worry about our progeny; I’ve got this!
  5. I will get into shape and not look like a slob.  If I were a woman and I returned home from a long, tiring 12-hour workday, the positively last thing I’d want to see is my fat, out-of-shape husband lounging on the sofa watching television with one hand stuck in a bag of Doritos! Who’d want to see that?  No one.  Thus, as a house hubby, I’m committing to getting into shape and turning this body into a feast for the eyes! Chris Hemsworth shall be my spirit guide!

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